


in the end

by thewayofthetrashcompactor (BriarLily)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Not Happy, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-12 19:08:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9085975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BriarLily/pseuds/thewayofthetrashcompactor
Summary: He was in his quarters when he felt it-The base was quiet





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this to cope, because emotions are the worst

-1-

He was in his quarters when he felt it: a sharp pain and then a sudden emptiness. Small at first, from the part of himself he had cut off long ago, he ripped the link open in instinctive panic. The emptiness swallowed him, a yawning, gaping void where there had always been a source of warmth. Dimmer at times, or sharp enough to burn himself on, or subtle flickers that shook him more than he would like to admit. But there, always there, even when it had been hidden from him, even when he had wanted to tear it out, thought it would be easier to live without it. A weakness, he had thought, but not one he could cut out of himself entirely. He was wrong. This was the weakness. 

He bent over, gasping for breath, blood roaring in his ears. He wanted to rip himself open, let the whole ship, the whole universe be pulled into the emptiness inside of him. His hands fisted against his stomach, pressing in, and one brushed against his lightsaber. He grabbed it desperately, clinging to it, thumb on the switch, not caring that it was pressed into his chest. His father’s death had torn him apart, left him fractured and wounded, an injury that was still sluggishly bleeding into his life. This, he was sure, would consume him. 

He fell to his knees on the floor, mouth open, soundlessly screaming. He was curled into himself, and his head hit the floor with a heavy thud, radiating pain that didn’t even register, devoured immediately by the dark vacuum filling his mind. He reached out with the Force, _pulling_ , wanting only to feed the emptiness. The walls of his room creaked, groaned, and began to buckle inwards. The transparisteel panel looking out to the stars strained, the void waiting on the other side, eager to rush in. 

A pounding reached him, louder than the roaring nothing, and he slowly became aware that it came from outside of himself. He stayed curled on the floor, emptiness filling with rage. His jaw snapped closed, biting down on his tongue, and his mouth filled with blood, hot and metallic. He bit harder.

He slowly unfolded himself from the floor, hand still clutched around his saber. He stood, wavering for a moment, fists clenched. His nails dug into his palm through the gloves, and he wished they were sharp enough to cut through fabric and skin, to break him open again. He imagined blood dripping down his hands, trickling through his fingers to the floor, and the image gave him a surge of satisfaction. 

The pounding was still echoing off the walls, someone beating at the door to his room. Mask in place, he forced the door open, thumb still resting eagerly on the switch of his saber. Two stormtroopers waiting outside, weapons raised to pound the door again. They quickly retreated when they saw him. 

“General said to bring you to the bridge immediately, sir,” one said, almost without stammering. 

Kylo said nothing, but walked towards them. They backed away, tripping over each other. He threw them into the wall with the Force, and continued to the bridge. 

Anger burned hotter through him with every step, scorching his veins. The emptiness still clawed at him, desperate for him to fill it. She was gone, lost, and even the powers of the Dark couldn’t solve that. But they could make it better. 

Hux was waiting for him, with the same expression of superiority and disdain he always wore. Triumph strengthened it today, and Kylo could feel his self-satisfaction like a wave as he approached. 

“Finally,” he sneered, and Kylo’s fingers twitched. He turned to the main view before them and Kylo walked beside. He felt the blood pounding through his veins, his body on the edge of exploding, imploding, burning and destroying the entire bridge and everyone there. 

“I received intelligence earlier today regarding the location of the Resistance base.” Kylo stilled completely. “The Vengeance was closest. I heard back from them a short time ago.” He gave Kylo a triumphant smirk. “My stormtroopers have accomplished what you have failed to do for years. The base is destroyed. And from what was overheard from their transmissions as they fled, I gather that the general-”

He was cut off as the air was ripped from his lungs. Kylo didn’t have the patience to drag out his death. He crushed his throat and flung him to the side. 

Every person on the bridge was frozen, hardly daring to breathe. Kylo ignored them. “Set a course for the Vengeance.”

The techs at the controls scrambled to obey. In short time, the Finalizer was underway.

A light flashed on a console and a tech swallowed hard as he read the message displayed. “Sir - a message from the Supreme-” His body fell to the ground.

Kylo looked out into the endless rush of space enveloping the ship. His mind still screamed at him to tear apart the bridge, leave no survivors, but he let the anger burn through him, blazing at the edges of the gaping hole he felt in his sense of the Force. He could wait a short while longer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm off to write more angsty fic. Feel free to [message](http://thewayofthetrashcompactor.tumblr.com/ask) me if you want to talk. Screw this year.


	2. Resistance Base

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The base was quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, because apparently I'm not done yet

-2-

The base was quiet. 

Some Resistance members roamed outside, needing the space and the air. Others sat inside, alone or together, struggling to accept what had happened. Tears were mostly spent by now, but some still slipped silently down.

The rites had been done, ancient Alderaanian ceremonies that C-3PO worked with R2 to recall, digging deep into memory banks of the destroyed culture. They had made do, both with the ceremony and what they had left. The general’s body hadn’t been recovered. The base was destroyed before a rescue could be mounted, the general the last one out, as always. They had fled to the next planet, following her last orders, and set up a new base as the shock set in. 

Rey walked across the base, going nowhere. The few people she passed didn’t meet her eyes, faces blank and unfocused, or hurrying with eyes down. She didn’t mind. She wasn’t ready to talk to them either.

The new base lent itself to the surreality of the situation. It was if she had passed over into another universe, plopped onto a strange planet where the general had never really been there at all. Just the vague dream of a warm presence, a fierce guidance, some idea of the ever-present wish for a mother, a friend made corporeal in a lonely night. And then memories would come in flashes, Leia hugging her after Starkiller base, knowing that she felt the loss so much deeper and still feeling her love in the embrace, the general commanding the war room, resilient and sure, Leia and Luke’s embrace when they’d returned from Ahch-To.

She would see the pain on her mentor’s face, and then the loss was too sharp to bear, too real. How could they go on? Without a sister, a leader, the burning light of the rebellion, reached near mythical status in the defeat of the Empire, the very real heart of the Resistance, fighting her own war when the Senate refused to listen.

Rey stopped at a tree at the edge of the base, then quickly lifted herself into its branches and settled herself against the trunk. This planet was warmer than the last one, and while Rey appreciated the heat, after suffering through the salty chill of Ahch-To, the heat here clung to the skin, in the same way the sand did on Jakku. Her clothing felt heavy and her hair stuck to her neck. It irritated her, as if it was one more sensation than she could take, against the nothingness that filled her head and pushed out from her chest. The uncomfortable dampness and weight of her skin reached her as if from far away, and she wanted to slip out of it, to fold into the blankness. But she stayed outside, letting the humidity build up on her skin and clothes, staring across the base.

Here and there, thoughts came to her in waves across the hazy nothingness, and her cheeks grew streaked. The sun passed from behind her to painting her face orange through the long leaves.

Her com went off at her belt, and she jumped. She’d thought she’d left it behind after the ceremonies, but apparently she’d forgotten. She unclipped it and stared at it for a moment before answering.

“Rey.”

“Hey, it’s Poe.” His voice came through clear, if a bit hoarse. “We’re having a meeting in command in five. Luke’s going to be here, we thought you should be too.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

She sat for another moment with the com in her hand, then grabbed the hem of her shirt and dragged it down her face. It didn’t do much for the dampness. With a force of will, she shoved herself from the tree, landing heavily on the ground. She walked back through the base, noting the others walking in the same direction.

It wasn’t unusual for the war room to be quiet before meetings; the Resistance rarely had good news. But this was different, heavy and stifling, people huddling in groups a little farther apart. The underlying hope that kept the Resistance going was dimmed to a dull flicker, struggling to survive. Rey found Finn on the other side of the room and stood next to him. He took a step closer, pressing his side against hers. She let herself lean against him slightly. Luke joined Rey on her other side. He had always had the air of carrying the weight of the universe, since she had found him, but now was the first time he seemed broken by it. His shoulders hunched more than usual, and the shadows under his eyes were deep. He stood slightly apart from them.

Poe stood further along the table, eyes red, but expression determined. Admiral Statura stood next to him. Once people had stopped arriving, he cleared his throat and tapped several buttons on the table. A blue hologram of a portion of D’Qar and a First Order ship in the skies above it appeared. Several people drew in sharp breaths.

“We were able to receive some data from the base at D’Qar today. The ship that made the attack remained in the area after, we believe trying to collect information from the base. Less than a day after the attack on the base, that ship was attacked in turn by another ship. The transmission was patchy, but we believe the attack was from another First Order ship.” The hologram above the table showed the staticky form of another ship attacking the first. “If there are internal conflicts in the Order, there is no better time for us to attack.” He looked around the room, face tired but resolved. “The Resistance has lost so much in the death of General Organa, and that is not a loss that can be replaced. But we cannot let what she fought for die along with her.”

A ripple went around the room. Admiral Statura continued. “We need a ship to go to D’Qar so we can find out what happened. We need reports from First Order controlled planets to see where their control has weakened. We need more information, so we can take this and break them apart.”

People were whispering now as Major Ematt began speaking from the admiral’s right. Teams were assigned, tactics discussed, and a plan was created that would get them through the next several days, then weeks to come. 

When the meeting was over, Rey left with Finn and Luke, blinking in the bright light of sunset as they emerged from the building. The nothingness in her chest ached, but she could think a little more clearly now, her head less blindingly empty. There was a battle to be won.

“What do we do now?” she said quietly, mostly to herself, partially to Luke. 

Poe overheard though and turned back to face her, eyes blazing, smiling grimly. “We fight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May be more to come. You can also find me on [tumblr](http://thewayofthetrashcompactor.tumblr.com/)


End file.
